We had met and had shared 10200 hours together, talking about our past, our present and our futures together...
In the 10200 hours which we spoke and shared together, he has made me laugh, cry, and made me experience the euphoria of Love that I have never ever felt before.
I thought that he was The One, and wasn't a "Mr. Right Now"...
I thought he was the Mr. Darcy that I had been looking for all these while; and that he was the man for the Bridget Jones in me...
I assumed that after all the shites I've been through, my prayers were answered when his hand first held mine...
The signs were always there on the wall, but we chose to ignore it, thinking that nobody's perfect, and that I should embrace everything about him openly, for everything he had experienced had made him into who he was, and that if a person loves another, she/he ought to love without passing judgements, without minding his past, for it merely made him who the person I had loved...
The 144 hours were really one hell of a emotional rollercoaster ride for me; I had to be strong for myself, friends, family,and they was freakingly worried, but I'm glad they never ever fails to just listen, although there were tears their eyes. I knew I worried my loves ones when I just cried my eyeballs out 144hours ago, when it was a lonngloonggg night for me.
For things screwed up, ever since I started work, and I admit I do at time ignore sms-es from him, it's never my intentional...
With the passing of 144hours, I have cried alot, more than how I shed tears when previous relationships ended... I don't think I have cried that much ever before...
I struggled with normalcy by burying my emotions within work, yet the pressures of work caught up with me, and the memories of how he used to be just a sms when I needed to rant added onto the pain... I lost count on the number of times I had wept silently at my workstation, knowing that I still had to stick the plastic smile on my face, for I couldn't let my emotions affect my work...
I couldn't and didn't understand how Love, could have just faded like that... I kept thinking if he wasn't good enough to me, whether he was too naggy, or that he had irritated me too much, or if had been over reacting... Nights were restless and sleepless, and there were nights I just wept silently, trying to comprehend what exactly went wrong... ...
Family and Friends were there to rally around me with Love, they listened while I ranted, they said nice and not-too-nice things to me...
Suddenly, it all made sense to me... ...
It doesn't matter anymore thinking about the "Should haves, would haves, could haves..." It doesn't matter anymore that I should be worried if he has woken up, and whether he has finish his duties...It doesn't matter anymore for that I've already wanted so much in ending the relationship...
Truth to be told, I haven't been happy recently, I wasn't smiley, I was superbly frustrated, and I felt un-Loved by him... (The lies in between of him) I assumed it was work and the pressures of Life that made us edgy...
Then I realised that Life is like a novel, with many many chapters. There are certain people whom one would like to have right until the end of the novel. However, as one grows and walks along the journey of Life, those people might not stay like how we wished... They affect individuals in different ways through their presence in some chapters of Life... But the story of Life would still have to go on; It'd just be another brand new chapter...
I've still got a long way ahead of me, and although I look back at the failed relationship knowing that no one is perfect and how I have made mistakes, I have realised that I am only human, and how I will never ever be perfect, and that I will always have imperfections...
I have learnt that I should never ever change myself into becoming someone I wasn't just so I could be at least be something close to his ideal of perfection... I should never ever disappear from my friends when I get into a relationship, and I should never ever forget that how, at the end of the day, it's my family and friends that keeps me sane and rooted, whom have seen me through my darkest days, and whom have always been there for me when I needed them for support...
That being said, I know I have issues to resolve on my own, and that it will be TinGz back to her same old cherry and chirpy self in time... I would also need to spend time "dating" my bed and doing something which is much therapeutic - like online, meeting up with friends etc, and as well as figure out Life, and how I would want my Book of Life to be written in the chapters ahead of me...
As for now, I intend to remain single, for a while, not because I am fearful of Love but simply because I am going back on track to the promise I had made to myself prior to meeting him... I would need to resolve some naggling issues that are within me on this solo journey of mine so that I would become a better person, not just for myself, but for my family and friends whom have been there for me... ...
To Oscar:
If you are reading this, I am thankful that I was once loved and cherished by you. I am sorry for taking you and the relationship for granted at times; it was never intentional. I am sorry for the times we argued and for making you frustrated over issues. I bear no hate nor hard feelings towards you. I wish you well, and thank you for the months of bliss and laughter when we were an item. Thank you for cheering me up when I was down, for being there when I needed a pillar of strength, for talking sense into me when I was irrationally unreasonable, but most importantly, Thank you for having once loved me... ....
144 hours later, with tears streaking down her face, TinGz is smiley and seeing that the rainbow is there after the rain, and telling friends whom care that I will definitely get better in time... ...
It's officially over, for I doesn't have the feelings for him anymore...
Maybe he'd understand better one of these days as to the causes, but...
I really need to let go...
We just allowed the relationship to take a nosedive from the good to the worst; We hardly really communicated for I doesn't want him to hurt me or make me sad/angry. We just bottled things up, and then like a Coke bottle that refuses to contain all the liquid and gases anymore, it all came to a downward spiral...
He's gone, but he wants us to remain as friends. And honestly, for the first time in my love relationships, I really do not want us to be there for each other as friends, despite the fact that I wanna ease him out of my picture. Knowing myself, when my previous relationships ended, one of the very first things I'd say to the other party is for him to stop contacting me, for I feel that it's pointless remaining as friends after all that we've been through...
I don't know if he wants us to remain friends is just so to make me feel better, or that it would be comforting for him to be able to know that someone would be there to listen to him, and just cheer him up on those bluesy days... Or that it's just talk, and that we wouldn't remain in contact after some time...
I gave us a chance, I gave my all; and looking back, the only regret that I have is that I no longer have the chance to spend my days growing with him on the long life journey ~ I can only look from afar and hope he is truly happy for we're no longer together...
Yet, I surrender first , simply because I want him to respect me and still, in all honesty, love him alot (in the past)... But sometimes, loving someone means letting her go and not seeing herself be so unhappy and suffering. But facing the 4 walls of my room and thinking things through, I realised that it makes me happier, then I will take a step back, and allow him to be happy too.
Nothing's fair in this world, and we don't usually get what we want all the time. He has given me far too much in Life and through these past 14 months of bliss that it's finally time for him to give something back in return to me...
♥ Guess Wallet.
♥ My Titus Watches
♥ NIKE Water Bottle
♥ Sony Ericsson C903
♥ Sony Ericsson K770i.
♥ Samsung T10 MP3.
♥ White Killer Spec.
♥ Computer
♥ My Bed.
♥ Pink and White Stuff.
♥ Baby Love
♥ Bestie Jennifer
♥ Dr Janice
♥ Mummy Dearest
♥ Da Jie
♥ Youngest Brother
♥ Maternal Grandparents
♥ All My Close/Good Friends
Her Cravings
♥ New JOB
♥ Driving License
♥ More Clothing
♥ More Accessories.
♥ Heels.
♥ Sony Camera
♥ Lappy
♥ Overseas Holiday
